A love language acts as a representation of how people show affection and care for each other. There is no doubt that love is shown in a variety of ways and not all of these can fit into neat and simple categories, however the theory of love languages can provide a framework and an opportunity to learn how to articulate your needs in a relationship; romantic, platonic or familial.
While there are 5 ‘original’ love languages (words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch) it is important to recognise that everyone is different and our unique experiences, childhood learning, cultural values and more can all shape the way we connect.
For neurodivergent people showing love can have additional challenges to that of neurotypical individuals. Factors like difficulty with physical touch or communication can act as a barrier, and if affection is not shown in a ‘traditional’ way, it can be misinterpreted as a lack of care. But it is essential to highlight that this is not necessarily the case, and embrace the idea that expression can be shown in so many forms, enabling neurodivergent people to give and receive love without compromising their comfort or boundaries.
The 5 neurodivergent love languages provide a focus on some of the unique ways in which ND people may express their love and affection.
Penguin Pebbling
Penguin pebbling is possibly one of the most endearing actions in the animal world. During the ritual of courtship, a male penguin will often gift his desired counterpart with small shiny pebbles as a display of interest and affection.
This activity is something that has been adopted into the human world, particularly by neurodivergent individuals. Where communication can be challenging and saying ‘I love you’ or ‘you make me happy’ can be difficult to express, penguin pebbling does the talking. It is not uncommon for a small gift or trinket that acts as a reminder of a loved one to be gifted to them - this unique way of saying ‘I'm thinking of you’ can act to bridge a gap in communication and build closeness.
Info-Dumping
If you are part of the neurodiverse world, you have most likely heard the term ‘special interest’. This refers to the action of honing in on one interest and feeling the desire to learn everything about it, completely immersing yourself into the specific area. This could really be anything, from a genre of film to a species of animal and everything in between! Special interests are a common characteristic in autistic people and they often provide relief from stress, a feeling of confidence and a space in which to completely immerse oneself.
So, where does info-dumping come in? Info-dumping is the action of sharing a special interest with another person in detail, providing the opportunity to connect and find common ground with others. If a neurodivergent person feels comfortable sharing this information, it usually means that they want to open up about an important part of their life with you and highlight what makes them tick. It demonstrates that they feel safe to share their interest with you without fear of being shut down or ignored.
Deep Pressure
Some neurodivergent people find physical touch challenging while others are sensory-seeking, meaning that they enjoy intense sensory experiences. When it comes to seeking closeness or comfort, requesting deep pressure from a loved one can be extremely calming and connection-building for a sensory-seeking neurodivergent individual.
This can look like a strong ‘squishing hug’, massages or even having a person lean against you like a warm weighted blanket. Any of these tactile sensations can relieve anxiety and really reaffirm the sentiment of ‘I'm here for you’.
Spoon Swapping
The practice of spoon swapping is linked to the spoon theory. Surprisingly, unrelated to food the spoon theory acts as a metaphor for the amount of energy a person has each day. Every spoon refers to a unit of energy, and as activities or tasks are undertaken the amount of spoons (energy) available declines. Coined in 2003 by Christine Miserandino, this idea is often used by people with chronic illnesses and disabilities to understand their energy levels and manage their fatigue. It has also become widely used across the neurodivergent community for a similar purpose.
When neurodivergent people ‘spoon swap’ (also known as support swapping) tasks are traded, taking on work the other person may not have the energy or spoons to undertake, providing compassion and understanding for a loved one and their capacity on that specific day. So next time your ND partner or friend becomes overwhelmed or shuts down, why not provide them with some love and offer your spoons?
Parallel Play
Parallel play, also known as body doubling, is a term used in developmental psychology to describe when children engage in play in the same space without directly interacting with one another. In the neurodiverse world, this is applied to people of all ages sharing space to partake in different activities while still being together.
Imagine spending time with a friend, you are playing a video game while they are reading a book - this is the perfect example of parallel play. This is a strategy that many ADHD-er’s use to help them complete a task by having the other person present to help, even if indirectly.
For ND individuals parallel play can be really connection building, creating familiarity and an opportunity for communication without the pressure of direct interaction. Next time your neurodivergent loved one asks you to simply hang out, remember that they are acting on one of their love languages and inviting you into their safe space because you make them comfortable.
Nurturing Neurodivergent Love
Whether you are neurodivergent or neurotypical, nurturing your relationships is important. Creating an open line of communication (in whatever way works for you) and adopting mutual respect opens the door to understanding each other.
Through this we can embrace diverse expressions of love and expand our definition of what affection and care look like, ultimately deepening our understanding of each other and continuing our journey to create a neuro-inclusive world.
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